I resolve to believe
For the past few days, I’ve been trying to figure out what my New Years resolutions should be. But like many things, I’m overthinking it.
I finally sat down today and forced myself to open a fresh Google doc and just start writing. After about ten minutes of that, followed by three minutes contemplating what tea to have, fifteen minutes making a fruit salad, two minutes eating fruit salad, twenty minutes wandering aimlessly around the house and thirty minutes more of staring at what I’d written, I realized that what I had was not really a list of resolutions. It was a to-do list. More specifically, it was a shortened version of my usual to-do list and included the usual things like:
- Create wedding photo album (um, it’s been a year… I should get on that)
- Edit wedding video (see above. Gawd I’m dreading this one.)
- Revisit business plan for my veil business
- Move blog to hosted site and find someone spectacular to redesign it
But wait a second. I don’t think I’m doing this right. Or am I? Deciding on your resolutions can be a daunting task if you let it and obviously, that’s what’s happened to me. After all, these are life altering changes to which you’re going to be committed for an entire year, right?… Right??
Maybe. But not necessarily. Who says you can’t take a step back and revaluate after six months, or even three? Or heck, even one? But that’s not quite the problem either.
The reason that this doesn’t quite feel right is that after a year of being inspired by people like her and her and her and her and him and especially her, writing yet another to-do list just doesn’t seem to cut it. It feels like the easy way out. How many of these lists have I written over the past year only to carry over some of the items from one list to the next to the next to the next?
So I took even more steps back. And I started thinking big. More objectively. Like an outsider looking in. And realized that my real problem was smack dab in front of my face: I overthink things. I said it straight out in my very first sentence. Does it get any more obvious than that?
I overthink things and this is why I haven’t done those things on my to-do lists that keep getting shuffled. And why do I overthink things? Because I’m scared of making the wrong choice.
And this is why these things never get done.
Take our wedding album for example. Blurb? Shutterfly? iPhoto? Inkubook? Which would be the best for our wedding album and really, would any of them look as good as having someone professionally do the layouts for us? Could I even convince Mr Fink to let me get someone to do it? And then, how big should it be? What paper is best? What photos do I choose? What if I miss some of the best ones and they languish on some forgotten hard drive forever?
The result: we have no album. No album, no video, no art on our walls, no housewares we love. It’s why I have a drafts folder full of unfinished blog posts, a nook full of untouched craft supplies, an empty corner where there should be a small pile of baby purchases.
And baby!!
This is really the year this has to change. Because if not, could our baby not have a name for weeks because I don’t want to make the wrong choice? No nursery because I can’t decide on colors? No stroller, no Fit 4 Two classes, no daycare because I can’t decide which wait lists to but our names on?
All of it comes back to the fact that I need to act with conviction.
At first I wrote confidence instead of conviction, but I find that sometimes when you’re in the throes of indecision, it’s terribly hard to muster up confidence. Where do you go to find it? On the other hand, ‘conviction’ means a strong belief. I need to believe I can make the right decisions, believe that the decisions I’ve made in the past are the right ones for me, and believe that if they turn out to not be the decision I want anymore (because really, there is no right and no wrong), that I can do what’s necessary to change the situation. And that’s something I can work on.
A year ago almost to the day I wrote about how frustrated I was with my indecisiveness so I know this is something I’ve been struggling with for awhile. But I was never quite specific about how to fix it.
This year, I resolve to believe in myself. And as a result of that belief, I will act with conviction.
(There. And now you can hold me to it because I am not going to dither about whether to post this or not… I’m just going to do it.)
My name is Kasia Fink and nothing makes me happier than finding goodness. This is a collection of my findings... I mean, finkings.
Great post! I think I have that same problem ….
and I can totally help layout your album if you want :)
I also struggle with being insecure with my choices. Once I finally make the choice, I worry whether it was the best one. Here’s to 2010 when we can both make stronger choices!
Love this post. I have the same problem, but I tend to make hasty decisions, just to make them. Great resolution!
I enjoyed this post, so much so that I’m de-lurking! I feel a similar sort of dilemma, although mine is more of the “paralyzed by perfection” sort. That there’s *one* right decision that I’m not making, but it isn’t so cut and dry. And as you said, we can stop, step back, and revaluate the decision made.
I just wrote a post about my resolutions for this year too! Its true, mine are also the same almost every year. This year I figure if I wrote it out and kept a little tally of all the big and small things I’d want to do, I would be more likely to do it. I believe in you! :)
We all believe in you Girl! We’ve just been waiting for you to believe in YOU! What a perfect kick start to 2010…it will most definitely be the year of change, AMAZING change.
I adore you, xo.
Awesome post! Perhaps I will add conviction to my goals this year too!
Thank you for this post! This is something I have been struggling with myself and you put it into words so eloquently. In college one of my professors would use the term “paralysis by analysis” and I feel like that fits. Over thinking to the point where you can no longer make a move to do what it is you need to do.
Thank you.
All I can say… is JUST DO IT. You’ll always find something better, or worst… but its better than not doing it at all. I could redo my wedding album and edit my video over and over again. But at least I have something to show.
Same goes for baby, and your company. Be strong and stop questionning yourself. Like you said believe in yourself. Because in the long run what you decide to do is the best decision.
On a side note, I wish I were more like you. Yes Yes you read right.
I need a share balance of you and me ;)
xxx
Thanks for all the support, everyone! You are so fabulous.
@Cynthia – Thanks for de-lurking… I love that! A tendency for perfection definitely fuels my indecision too. I’m trying to teach myself that there is no such thing as a “right” decision. In fact, there are probably many right ones. It’s just a matter of choosing one. And best of all, you can usually change your mind (and that’s ok!).
@Charmi – Oh I definitely still dig lists and will probably make one for 2010 as well. Though I might try putting it up on the wall at home or somewhere I’d see it every day, unlike my katrillion other mini ones.
@Julie – “Paralysis by analysis” – that’s brilliant!
@Kelly – You’re right, it *is* better than not doing it at all but the reason I have a hard time with that is that I always want it to be perfect. So basically I need to let that go in order to let the other things fall into place. It won’t be easy but hopefully the satisfaction of finally accomplishing things and checking them off my list will help me realize that perfection isn’t everything (and in fact, can be dangerous).
I followed you over from Wedding Bee! I am a wedding and portrait photographer. I also design wedding albums for fellow photographers. If you are interested in having someone do the design for you, please email me for some samples (I don’t have the albums of other photographers on my site as the photographs aren’t mine).
Yup Kasia, as you can see you are not alone in your fear and paralysis. Where does this come from?! I am embarking on my own challenge too this month to do something I am afraid of doing wrong. I’m putting on the Nikes though and I’m gonna Just Do It. Good luck to you!
I struggle with indecision, too! I left my master bathroom only two-thirds painted about six months ago because I realized that the color I had picked wasn’t quite what I wanted. Now, out of fear of getting it wrong again, it is still two-thirds aquamarine and one-third mauve. It’s not a pretty combination.
I bought a necklace several years ago that has a Goethe quote on a long piece of sterling silver. It reads: “As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.” I try to keep that in mind all the time – as long as I believe that something is the right decision, it will be.
Good luck with your resolution and your to-do list! I love your writing.
Hee hee (though I do like mauve, I must say). If it makes you feel better, my bathroom walls are the color of skin-colored pencil crayon, which goes fab with navy and powder blue accessories (not).
That’s a great quote though!